Trying to manage your own life along with others’ starts to wear down your reserves. Over time you become angrier and more frustrated with her and with yourself for not being able to say no. This resentment slowly creeps into your interactions with her kids. But by not acknowledging the problem, you can encourage it, even if you really want it to stop. Denying the issue can create challenges for you and your loved one.
Making Excuses for the Person’s Addictive Behaviors
It’s like giving a pyromaniac a box of matches and being surprised when they start a fire. By constantly bailing people out of their problems, we rob them of the opportunity to learn and grow from their mistakes. But these behaviors often encourage the other person to continue the same behavioral patterns and not seek professional help. “Enabler” is a highly stigmatized term that often comes with a lot of judgment. However, most people who engage in enabling behaviors do so unknowingly. Managing enabling behavior may require that you first recognize the root cause of it.
- If your loved one is dealing with alcohol misuse, removing alcohol from your home can help keep it out of easy reach.
- You may find yourself running the other person’s errands, doing their chores, or even completing their work.
- If you find yourself constantly making excuses for your loved one’s substance abuse, this is one of the most common signs of enabling.
What Is Negative Enabling?
No, usually enablers have a heightened sense of empathy, which is why it can be difficult for them to hold the other person accountable or allow them to face consequences. The young adult spends their money on drugs or alcohol, and when they can’t pay their rent, the parent steps in to cover it. However, it is often because they think that things will get worse if they aren’t there for their loved ones in the way they think they need them. When the term enabler is used, it is usually referring to drug addiction or alcohol misuse.
- Enabling behaviors include making excuses for someone else, giving them money, covering for them, or even ignoring the problem entirely to avoid conflict.
- BetterHelp can connect you to an addiction and mental health counselor.
- Helpers encourage progress, while enablers often maintain the status quo.
People who could be considered enablers to another’s substance abuse may not be knowingly enabling their loved ones. In many cases, a person living with an addiction may attempt to conceal it from their friends and family. For example, they may ask to borrow money and lie about what they intend to use it for.
Enabling Overprotective Parenting
Enablers step in and handle tasks a loved one should do themselves, such as job-hunting, paying rent, or cleaning up legal messes. This robs the individual of the incentive to become self-reliant or face consequences. If your loved one is dealing with alcohol misuse, removing alcohol from your home can help keep it out of easy reach. You may not have trouble limiting your drinks, but consider having them with a friend instead. If you or your loved one crosses a boundary you’ve expressed and there are no consequences, they might keep crossing that boundary. If you state a consequence, it’s important to follow through.
The Effects of Enabling
There are no particular personality traits that make someone an enabler. Instead, it’s determined by your emotional connection to a person. It’s not that you need to cut the person out of your life necessarily, but they need to know that they are no longer welcome to come to you for support. Although rooted in a desire to help, these behaviors often worsen the situation by removing accountability and allowing negative actions to continue. It’s difficult to work through addiction or alcohol misuse alone. And if the problem is never discussed, they may be less likely to reach out for help.
The first step in trying to support someone without enabling them is to acknowledge the things you have done that might have allowed the other person to continue their destructive behaviors. An overprotective parent may become an enabler when they allow their child, even an adult child, to neglect responsibilities or continue doing things that are harmful to them. By downplaying the seriousness of the situation, the enabler avoids facing uncomfortable truths, but this denial only allows the harmful behavior to continue unchecked. For example, an adult sibling who grew up with a parent struggling with addiction might have learned to avoid conflict and “fix” problems to hold the family together. Without setting healthy boundaries, these patterns can prevent both people from growing and lead to frustration, resentment, and burnout.
This can be particularly challenging if you already tend to find arguments or conflict difficult. But if your help allows your loved one to have an easier time continuing a problematic pattern of behavior, you may be enabling them. It’s tempting to make excuses for your loved one to other family members or friends when you worry other people will judge them characteristics of an enabler harshly or negatively.
An example of an enabler can be someone who supports another person’s alcohol addiction. Protecting enabling involves shielding the other person from the consequences of their actions. This might look like covering up their behaviors or lying to protect them. Generational trauma is one example—patterns like “family always takes care of each other” can be passed down in ways that discourage healthy boundaries or accountability.
Sometimes, enablers can have their own history of addiction and may feel guilty or helpless about the situation. They may feel it is unfair to address their loved one’s substance abuse when they have had their own similar struggles in the past. Enablers are individuals who may, knowingly or unknowingly, help a person continue their substance abuse behaviors. Enabling usually refers to patterns that appear in the context of drug or alcohol misuse and addiction. More than a role, enabling is a dynamic that often arises in specific scenarios.
As you learn to balance helping others with taking care of yourself, you might just find that you’re more effective at making a positive difference in the world – and happier doing it. It doesn’t mean someone else’s harmful behaviors are on you, either. But even if all you want is to support your loved one, enabling may not contribute to the situation the way you might think it does. In this case, an enabler is a person who often takes responsibility for their loved one’s actions and emotions.
But your actions can give your loved one the message that there’s nothing wrong with their behavior — that you’ll keep covering for them. You might avoid talking about it because you’re afraid of acknowledging the problem. You or your loved one may not have accepted there’s a problem. You might even be afraid of what your loved one will say or do if you challenge the behavior. The enabler might feel like they’re in control because they’re always needed, but in reality, they’re often being manipulated or taken advantage of. It’s a bit like being the puppet master, only to realize you’re actually the marionette.
And let’s not forget the stunted personal growth for both parties. When we’re constantly rescuing others, we’re denying them (and ourselves) the chance to develop resilience and problem-solving skills. This might make you feel like you want to do something to mend the relationship.
This can be done out of denial or a desire to protect the person. Enablers often try to protect their loved ones from the consequences of their addiction. This might look like bailing them out of jail or paying for damages they’ve caused while under the influence. In some cases, an enabler might even take on the person’s responsibilities in order to keep things running smoothly in their life.